Wednesday, March 5, 2008


I think I should seriousy consider yoga or some other 'calming' force. After the last freak out I had. Anyway...I've calmed down....have told myself 'it was meant to be'...and have moved on. I love my new truck!!! I was just soooo excited when I drove it last night only to find that the interior gauges are blue!!! It was sooooo coooool! :)

I need a little happy in my life right if blue lights does it....yeah me!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Why? something happened yesterday that shouldn't be so upsetting, but because of my history with my family, I am having a hard time 'getting over it', so to speak. All 39 years my mom has promised me things, only to build up my excitement and then crush it at the last moment.

That happened again yesterday. I was sooo upset last night, I barely got any sleep. I am on the verge of tears still today. And I guess I keep asking myself...Why? Am I not a good enough person? Am I being punished for something? What did I do wrong that I deserve a lifetime of disappointment? Yes, I know, I'm whining and feeling sorry for myself...but isn't that what a blog is about? Writing through your emotions.

I'm trying really hard to understand the rationale for what happened. I'm trying hard to focus on the positives of my life, namely my husband and girls. There ARE people worse off in life than me, I KNOW that....but why can't I get over this last disappointment? I seems to have drudged up all the old feelings again.

I'm even picking up my new car today...and guess what? There's no excitement about that, and I feel horrible, because I've never ever had a brand new vehicle...and my husband wants me to be excited and giddy. What is wrong with me?

I'm seriously considering cutting ties with what's left of my extended famiy, long story.....but I'm nto sure I can keep doing this. It's killing me emotionally. I can't be emotionally bankrupt, I have two beautiful hopeful excited little girls to raise. I want to be smiley and happy and be able to give them everything emotionally that I can. I don't ever want them to doubt my feelings about them.

Life is hard......but better than the alternative, I suppose.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

GRRR!! eating for the last week has officially been OUT OF CONTROL!!!!!

What is wrong with me??? I was off to a good start...then some stress set in...and BAM, I'm back to square one!!!!

Ugh! Losing weight is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do in my life!!! *sigh*

All right....tomorrow....

I WILL drink my water
I WILL avoid empty carbs
I WILL make better choices

I CAN do this!

Thursday, February 28, 2008


Been a while....

It's been a while....and my eating has proven that I should be journalling daily. Oh well. One day at a time.

So...I officially hate house hunting....well here anyway, where the most affordable house is a condo for 600K. It sucks!!!!!! And I'm getting soooo frustrated.

I'm hoping this year gets has to get better....

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Beautiful outside again!

Wow...I'm thinking it's been so nice that we're going to pay for all this early spring weather! It's coming......we just don't know when.

So....we did it. We bought Chasey a bearded dragon yesterday. I'm still having mixed feelings and doubts....I hope it holds her interest long enough to make the HIGH COST worth it. I wish kids understood the value of money, but I know that's asking too much. But she understands that this living creature is her responsibility. The cricket feeding, p00p cleaning, playing and interacting with it. I honestly never thought I'd touch a lizard, but it just feels like a basketball. And he is a pretty sweet little guy. I do understand however, that he will grow to almost 2 feet long. EEEEK! She named him Eragon, like the movie, which is a good dragon name.

Soooo....eating, for being in the city all day yesterday, I think I did pretty good. The scale will tell tomorrow!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Long weekend....

And it comes to an end. We had such a nice day yesterday. I know this isn't much compared to the way other people exercise, run, etc....but I went for a walk with my girls, took them to the park yesterday. I met some nice people there. That is very much a NSV for me. I'm not feeling all that friendly when I'm this self-conscious about my weight. In fact, I'd just be happy if people disregarded me totally. I know that's awful, but that's how I feel right now. I feel like saying, talk to me once I've shed this awful shell I'm carrying around. Ahhhh....

Anyway, it's a new week. Tomorrow we have to run into the City to sign papers for our business at the lawyer's and hand over all our money. Exciting, scary, anxious....only some of the feelings I'm having about this whole thing. Still hoping DH isn't going to be disappointed in me when I start handling some things full-time. When did I become so insecure?

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Now I know.... I know that journalling does indeed help. LOL It is sunday and I haven't posted anything since last week, and guess what? I had McDonald's today!!! I truly believe if I had made the conscious effort to blog...that I would have resisted the urge. And it isn't even that I 'wanted' was easy. Sooo...looks like salad for me tonight.

I was only down .2 this week...but you know what? It's a loss. And that's the way I'm looking at it. In the past, I would have been devastated by that, but if it takes me 2 years to get my weight off, then that's only 2 years to make the rest of my life better. Soooo....trying to stay positive and going in the right direction!!

Thanks to the ladies that commented on my last blog, and I am truly going to take up a hobby. I think I'll see if there are any scrapbooking groups or something alone those lines. Not sure where to look, but I will definitely look into it.

We went to Lake Louise yesterday and checked out the ice sculptures....I was very proud of myself for doing all the walking, as it's hard for me to get up off my a$$ and actually do something physical. Oh, and Idid the 'deed' with DH last night too. I've been kind of neglectful with that in the last year or so, and I'm trying really hard to try to get back into my relationship with him. It amazes me at how weight affects so many aspects of my life. And I am sooo looking forward to feeling better about myself. :)

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Vent or eat....

I choose vent. I am missing my friends soooo much, and feel like they've moved on. I feel isolated and alone. I know I have my family, whom I love soooo much, but I don't have any 'me' time. I can't help but blame my problem in making new friends on my weight, somewhat. I know I shelter myself behind it and just automatically think that's why someone won't talk to me. *sigh*

I know I'm a better person and a friendlier person inside....I just have to unwrap it. It's soooo hard making friends at this age. I need a hobby. I definitely need a hobby.

Happy Valentine's Day! 2 with no coffee. Maybe I'll be able to do it!! I should have never ever started looking on Ebay. That is a dangerous place!!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Hump day.... number 1 with no coffee. We shall see how this goes. I'm expecting to have a big headache later. pain, no gain, right?

Tomorrow is Valentine's day. We don't generally give this day a lot of attention. There's so much going on right now with the business that romance is the last thing on our minds. I did buy the girls a Webkin. Chasey a penguin and Mckenna a turtle. I'll pick up something little for DH.

Lots of trips to the city in the next little while, so I have to make a special effort to keep my eating under control.

My goals coffee.....water or tea instead....eating lunch before I drop of Mckenna to school, so I don't 'grab' something on the go.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

All right....breathe....just breathe...

That is my theme song today. It's official....we take over the business March 1. I am going in today and tomorrow afternoons to learn some stuff that I will be taking over. I am soooo nervous, I feel like my stomach is going to turn inside out. It has been so long since I have had an 'outside' job. I guess I'm scared of disappointing my DH. I'm nervous about working with him. I sure hope my brain remembers how to operate and remember stuff. UGH!

My cell phone has officially died. Won't hold its charge, so I'm kind of excited to pick out a new one, though I love my pink razor. Maybe one of those new red ones. Gonna go look this morning.

Mckenna is feeling much better, however, at skiing yesterday she bonked her head on a bar and now has a glowing blue bruise right beside her eye. *sigh* Poor kid.

All right, off to start what hoping will be a great day....

Monday, February 11, 2008

Sunny Monday

It is sooooo nice out today!!! The sun is shining brightly over the mountains....and it's beautiful outside! On my way to watch Chasey ski. She's still not ready for the chairlift, but the bunny hill seems to be enough for her, which is OK with me.

Well...I'm still sulking because of the 'no friend' thing here. Why is it that it's harder for us to make friends as we get older? I miss my friends. :(

I'm thankful today that Mckenna feels better. Friday she has to go in for some asthma testing. Wouldn't surprise me if she does have it, but hopefully she'll grow out of it, like I did.

Hope everyone has a great start to their week!

Sunday, February 10, 2008


Absolutely beautiful out today...even if there is a foot of snow on the ground!! I decided to take the girls for a walk.....the first one we've been on since moving here in November. It was nice. It was only a 15 min walk....but for me, that was awesome! I'm very proud of myself...and I feel really good for spending some quality time with my girls.

Happy Sunday...'s supposed to be 1C out today....doesn't look like it when you look out the window though. We got so much snow in the last couple days. I can't wait for winter to be over this year. I'm totally sick of it.

I think I overate a little this weekend....but I know I was better than I would have been before. I was aware of what I was eating and tried to make better choices, and if the choice wasn't the best, at least I ate less of it.

Coffee...I'm really tore up as to whether to quit it or not. I really enjoy my one cup of Timmy's in the morning....but do I really have to have it. I didn't have coffee yesterday and had a killer headache last night. I haven't had one yet today, though I'm contemplating venturing out, even if it's for just a cup of coffee.

Look like our business purchasing is a go ahead for March 1. I'm not sure if I'm excited or anxious about this. I'm going to be working there as well. I am nervous about doing an outside job again. I have been raising my babies for 8 years now, and it's been a while since I had to go out and do something. But on the positive side, because it's our business I have the freedom to come and go as I please, to a certain extent. And I did warn my DH that the first time he tried to 'boss' me, he could watch my ass head out the door. We shall see how we work together.

So in the next couple weeks, I shall have to deal with a cranky DH, anxiety, fear and probably lack of sleep. We'll see how I can control my emotional eating.....*sigh*

Saturday, February 9, 2008


It is soooooo cold out today and we got so much snow yesterday. To grocery shop or not to grocery shop, that is the question. I know I have to or else I'll be eating junk. It's easy to pick up the phone and order pizza.....

I am very thankful today that my baby is finally feeling better. She's still stuffy and coughing, but she has some color back in her cheeks and is acting more fighting with her big sister! LOL

It's so beautiful here after it snows....but I really hate driving in it. Guess I need to move somehere warm.

Let's see.....goals today.....water.....getting my laundry shopping.....and making something yummy but healthy for dinner.

Friday, February 8, 2008

And I'm win the marathon of my life!

I am soooo happy, after I stepped on the scale this morning! I kept saying to myself...I'll be happy with 2 lbs this is my first serious week of watching what I'm eating. But I was down 4.2!!! I am totally ecstatic with that! That definitely makes me want to work harder and start adding a little 'activity' in my routine. I don't want to go gungho right away and overkill it, but maybe a Yoga DVD 3 times/week or something like that. I saw that Avon is putting one out, called "Simple Yoga for Weight Loss". Soooo...think I'll order it.

My goal today....water...water...water. I know I'm going to have a couple glasses of wine I do need to plan my points around that. Looks like it's salad with my chicken for dinner. :)))

Thursday, February 7, 2008

WW vent

Okay...I need to vent before I explode! I don't know if I am the only one who feels this way....but the WW boards, I thought, were for 'support' and free and open discussion. I feel that whenever I post something, I am either jumped on for giving an opinion or no one cares.

I feel the WW board is full of cliques and if you don't belong in one of them, you're left out in the cold. UGH. I guess I'm just having a miserable day. Funny how lack of sleep affects everything we do.

Does it ever end?

Well....I'm still tired...and still not terribly hungry. I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep or what....I kind of feel like I'm in a haze. Mckenna is feelng a bit better today, but she still looks awful, all red around her eyes...and soooooo pale. She's very fair to begin with, but when she's sick, she's pastey white. The inhalers appear to be working, but she's still very fitful at night.

My 8 year old, Chasey, went to school today, she's feeling better. So, now I have one to worry about at home today, which is somewhat of a break. My inlaws also were here last night, but they are a big help, I love them. And they brought me 2 bottles of their homemade blueberry shiraz wine! YUMMMM!!!

Goals today....let's see. To eat properly, and try to eat all my points. Water....water...water. I didn't get a chance to drink all my water yesterday and I can sure feel the difference when I dont drink it. So I need to do that!! And I guess just try to get through the day. It breaks my heart when my kids are sick....but especially this time, I have never seen Mckenna this sick. My heart goes out to those parents who have children who are chronically or terminally ill. I don't know how they do it.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Tired and not hungry

Ugh....that was the most horrible night ever! Mckenna (my 5 year old daughter) has had a cold since Friday. However, last night, about midnight, she was waking up crying because she couldn't breathe properly after she coughed...and said it hurt when she breathed. So after 2 hours of this, I decided to check out the local hospital. Thank goodness in a smaller place, we didn't have to wait long. Or maybe the fact that she 'threw up' on their carpet got her in right away.

So....after xrays and 10 rounds of a steroid inhaler, two hrs later we were sent home with prescriptions for 2 inhalers, antibiotic and liquid steroid. My poor baby! Needless to say, we arrived home at 4:30 am....and I am soooo tired, I'm seeing blurry.

To top it off, my inlaws are arriving to spend the night tonight. I still have bathrooms to clean and vacuuming to do. I wonder if there is a fairy godmother somewhere? Does anyone have a magic wand I can borrow?

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Anger issues

Well....I feel like I did pretty good today. I did have a snack of blueberries past 8 pm tonight, but I didn't get home from my girl's ballet til 8. So I am forgiving myself for that.

Anger issues. I'm not sure if I'm having anger issues, or I'm falling into the feeling sorry for myself category. But I'm hoping that talking myself through it here will help. I have some friends that appear to be so 'lucky'. It seems everything they have has fallen into their laps, and I can't but be envious. I hate feeling like that, and I hate myself for feeling like that.

We have moved to a place that I'm 'trying' my hardest to like, but it gets harder and harder every day. I don't want to keep harping on the issue, as my husband has enough to worry about. But every time I get shunned by ladies that I try to talk to, it hurts. I was almost in tears on the way home tonight. I don't think I'm a terrible person, I think I'm pretty personable, so it goes back to the question...."what's wrong with me?"

I am however proud of myself for not binging on food over all this. Instead, I came here and wrote down how I feel. I'm not sure it is helping, but at least my fingers are busy and I'm not reaching for food. *sigh* Why does it get harder to make friends as we get older? And why do we need friends as we get older? Shouldn't my family be enough?

Day 1

There are a lot of articles out there, setting out the health and welfare of people 40+ in the country. And frankly, it doesn't look good. Obesity, heart disease, diabetes. Yes, it's scary. I'm turning 40 in July...and I'm a good 100 lbs overweight. I have struggled with weight since my mid 20s and it's time I take control. I know it's going to be a struggle and I know there are going to be hard days. I just have to find a way to pick up the pieces and move forward, instead of always feeling sorry for myself and falling back into the same mindless eating habits.

Here are some things I promise myself this time:
1. I will not give up
2. I will not use food to comfort my emotions
3. I will find a hobby to keep my hands busy
4. I will make better choices when eating out
5. I will not eat past 8 pm

It's a start...small as it is.

Today's starting weight: 280 lbs (EWWW)
Small goal: 10 lbs loss by Easter (March 22)
Eventual goal: 150 lbs