Tuesday, March 4, 2008


Okay....so something happened yesterday that shouldn't be so upsetting, but because of my history with my family, I am having a hard time 'getting over it', so to speak. All 39 years my mom has promised me things, only to build up my excitement and then crush it at the last moment.

That happened again yesterday. I was sooo upset last night, I barely got any sleep. I am on the verge of tears still today. And I guess I keep asking myself...Why? Am I not a good enough person? Am I being punished for something? What did I do wrong that I deserve a lifetime of disappointment? Yes, I know, I'm whining and feeling sorry for myself...but isn't that what a blog is about? Writing through your emotions.

I'm trying really hard to understand the rationale for what happened. I'm trying hard to focus on the positives of my life, namely my husband and girls. There ARE people worse off in life than me, I KNOW that....but why can't I get over this last disappointment? I seems to have drudged up all the old feelings again.

I'm even picking up my new car today...and guess what? There's no excitement about that, and I feel horrible, because I've never ever had a brand new vehicle...and my husband wants me to be excited and giddy. What is wrong with me?

I'm seriously considering cutting ties with what's left of my extended famiy, long story.....but I'm nto sure I can keep doing this. It's killing me emotionally. I can't be emotionally bankrupt, I have two beautiful hopeful excited little girls to raise. I want to be smiley and happy and be able to give them everything emotionally that I can. I don't ever want them to doubt my feelings about them.

Life is hard......but better than the alternative, I suppose.

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