Wednesday, March 5, 2008


I think I should seriousy consider yoga or some other 'calming' force. After the last freak out I had. Anyway...I've calmed down....have told myself 'it was meant to be'...and have moved on. I love my new truck!!! I was just soooo excited when I drove it last night only to find that the interior gauges are blue!!! It was sooooo coooool! :)

I need a little happy in my life right if blue lights does it....yeah me!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Why? something happened yesterday that shouldn't be so upsetting, but because of my history with my family, I am having a hard time 'getting over it', so to speak. All 39 years my mom has promised me things, only to build up my excitement and then crush it at the last moment.

That happened again yesterday. I was sooo upset last night, I barely got any sleep. I am on the verge of tears still today. And I guess I keep asking myself...Why? Am I not a good enough person? Am I being punished for something? What did I do wrong that I deserve a lifetime of disappointment? Yes, I know, I'm whining and feeling sorry for myself...but isn't that what a blog is about? Writing through your emotions.

I'm trying really hard to understand the rationale for what happened. I'm trying hard to focus on the positives of my life, namely my husband and girls. There ARE people worse off in life than me, I KNOW that....but why can't I get over this last disappointment? I seems to have drudged up all the old feelings again.

I'm even picking up my new car today...and guess what? There's no excitement about that, and I feel horrible, because I've never ever had a brand new vehicle...and my husband wants me to be excited and giddy. What is wrong with me?

I'm seriously considering cutting ties with what's left of my extended famiy, long story.....but I'm nto sure I can keep doing this. It's killing me emotionally. I can't be emotionally bankrupt, I have two beautiful hopeful excited little girls to raise. I want to be smiley and happy and be able to give them everything emotionally that I can. I don't ever want them to doubt my feelings about them.

Life is hard......but better than the alternative, I suppose.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

GRRR!! eating for the last week has officially been OUT OF CONTROL!!!!!

What is wrong with me??? I was off to a good start...then some stress set in...and BAM, I'm back to square one!!!!

Ugh! Losing weight is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do in my life!!! *sigh*

All right....tomorrow....

I WILL drink my water
I WILL avoid empty carbs
I WILL make better choices

I CAN do this!

Thursday, February 28, 2008


Been a while....

It's been a while....and my eating has proven that I should be journalling daily. Oh well. One day at a time.

So...I officially hate house hunting....well here anyway, where the most affordable house is a condo for 600K. It sucks!!!!!! And I'm getting soooo frustrated.

I'm hoping this year gets has to get better....

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Beautiful outside again!

Wow...I'm thinking it's been so nice that we're going to pay for all this early spring weather! It's coming......we just don't know when.

So....we did it. We bought Chasey a bearded dragon yesterday. I'm still having mixed feelings and doubts....I hope it holds her interest long enough to make the HIGH COST worth it. I wish kids understood the value of money, but I know that's asking too much. But she understands that this living creature is her responsibility. The cricket feeding, p00p cleaning, playing and interacting with it. I honestly never thought I'd touch a lizard, but it just feels like a basketball. And he is a pretty sweet little guy. I do understand however, that he will grow to almost 2 feet long. EEEEK! She named him Eragon, like the movie, which is a good dragon name.

Soooo....eating, for being in the city all day yesterday, I think I did pretty good. The scale will tell tomorrow!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Long weekend....

And it comes to an end. We had such a nice day yesterday. I know this isn't much compared to the way other people exercise, run, etc....but I went for a walk with my girls, took them to the park yesterday. I met some nice people there. That is very much a NSV for me. I'm not feeling all that friendly when I'm this self-conscious about my weight. In fact, I'd just be happy if people disregarded me totally. I know that's awful, but that's how I feel right now. I feel like saying, talk to me once I've shed this awful shell I'm carrying around. Ahhhh....

Anyway, it's a new week. Tomorrow we have to run into the City to sign papers for our business at the lawyer's and hand over all our money. Exciting, scary, anxious....only some of the feelings I'm having about this whole thing. Still hoping DH isn't going to be disappointed in me when I start handling some things full-time. When did I become so insecure?